Owning your trauma: Validation and accountability
I have noticed a certain tendency amongst myself and the people in my life when it comes to confronting personal trauma. There seems to be an aversion to recognising that something that happened in your life was traumatic and that perhaps you carry it with you. Or maybe it’s not so much a lack of acknowledgment, but rather a belittling of the trauma to the point where it’s not viewed as a wound to be healed, instead becoming something that you just live with — a part of your person. The problem with this scenario is that agency has been given to the trauma which leads to a distorted perception that “this is just the way it is”. This view robs you of your power by removing your agency from the equation.
Please understand, I am no mental health expert and I am also not an expert in trauma. I am just a person who has faced my own shadow and managed to glean some insights from this process. My evidence is my own transformation, and it has been tremendous. What I have learned is that when we deny our trauma, we are unable to heal from it. When we “accept” it by saying “oh, it’s OK”, we’re not acknowledging the impact and the power that it has within the structure of our lives. And if we can’t acknowledge that, how can we possibly heal from it?
“It’s OK…” but not really.
The first step is to accept that you have trauma, and that it’s valid trauma. It’s not about the outward severity of it — some events are obviously more terrible than others — because trauma is an individual response to something that your being experiences. How traumatic it is depends on individual context. No matter how big or small, though, if your life ends up affected by it, then it deserves to be acknowledged, validated and dealt with.
How do you turn it around? Honestly, I don’t have an answer for that. Each person’s healing process is their own. All I can tell you for sure is that being unwilling so see something for what it is will only stagnate your progress as a person. Carrying old wounds with you and telling yourself that you deserve them, that this is just who you are, that there’s no hope…. Well, is that how you want to live? We have limited control regarding what happens to us, but we have immense power when it comes to our mindset and actions.
I’m not saying that we will all be free of trauma through the act of confronting it. The point I am trying to make is that having experienced trauma is not the same as being traumatised. When you are traumatised, the trauma informs how you move through life. Trauma creates fear, and healing means not acting out of fear. Living in a state of fear is a terrible fate, and should be reserved for cases where it’s justified. It should not be something that we inflict upon ourselves simply because we either don’t believe that our trauma is valid, or because we view it as inherent.
Accountability and compassion
I believe that if you allow yourself the space to fully acknowledge these events and the effect they’ve had on you, you shine a light on a shadow and essentially eliminate it. Being able to see clearly, without denial or judgement, gives you a solid footing from which to move forward. Instead of being controlled by your past, you are able to use it as a compass. You are able to learn from it and see how you want the world to be different, and behave in that way. Do you perpetuate what you’ve experienced, or do you work to break the cycle? It’s a choice to be accountable to yourself for your own wellbeing. It can also be uncomfortable because it means recognising the trauma in others, and that perhaps the ones who have hurt us are themselves hurting. It’s not easy. We all deserve a measure of compassion, but it needs to be balanced with personal accountability. That goes both directions — we cannot give to others what we don’t have for ourselves. I obviously can’t be held to account for someone else’s actions, but I can hold them accountable and meet them with compassionate understanding to the best of my ability.
Concluding…
When we truly accept our trauma and understand that it is affecting our perception, we move into a space where we are able to take responsibility for our mindset and our actions. There’s nothing to be gained from denying the truth to yourself. If you’re not ready to heal, that’s OK. It’s not something to be forced or rushed, but rather something to be nurtured and cultivated. Consider your mind as a garden. You can leave it to its own devices, but it will become overrun with weeds and wayward growth, or it may stagnate and wither. Check in with yourself regularly to make sure this isn’t the case :)
