Catching runaway emotions: Coping with overwhelm

Do you ever find yourself in a spiral of anxiety and confusion? This happens to me often enough for various reasons, and when I’m in this state I’m unable to focus or relax.  Considering that “relaxed focus” is probably the ideal state of awareness, you really want to be able to deal with feelings that seem to get in the way. What does “dealing” with them mean though, and how do you go about it? It can be simple, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy.

I think that often the biggest challenge can be catching yourself when you’re in a moment like this. To change the state of these emotions, you need to first acknowledge them. I feel that most of us try to ignore yet endure these uncomfortable feelings, accepting them as some kind of terrible default. Why, though, have we come to tolerate this kind of emotional turmoil?

Agency or autopilot

For me, the answer comes down to a matter of personal agency and accountability. My experience growing up was to swallow my emotions as much as I could — that was my normal. As an emotionally intense person, this caused me literal pain at times due to the physical stress my body would experience. This happened because I was never taught how to regulate or acknowledge my emotions. I assume that a lot of people may relate to this — at least the suppressed emotions part. I saw my emotional discomfort as something that I had to get used to, that I would grow out of one day when I reach a certain level of maturity. I thought it was normal, and that there was something wrong with me. Turns out that emotional development doesn’t just happen without volition — you have to want it and work for it.

So, while I have indeed grown out of this old version of myself, I’ve had to labour for it. It didn’t just come with the passing of time. I’ve had to introspect (a LOT), research, and open my mind to the beliefs that I take for granted. I’ve had to face uncomfortable truths and accept that if I want to be a better version of myself, who doesn’t oscillate between numbed apathy or existential dread, then I have to be accountable to myself. I have to prioritise my well-being on all levels. I need to take responsibility for my experience, and cannot expect anyone else to be willing or able to help me when I’m not willing to do that for myself. I don’t mean to say that others can’t help you along your journey, but ultimately there needs to be a willingness and openness to change which stems from deep within yourself.

Seeing the glass

Life has always been challenging, but in today’s context we deal with a lot of social pressure and invisible threats. Threats that, unlike being chased down by a sabre-toothed tiger, are persistent and more ethereal, like a spectre that hangs over us. They can present as things that you feel you need to worry about, but can’t directly deal with or control. It is not easy to re-write our conditioning, but it is completely possible to learn how to regulate our emotions and use that to begin shifting our default from being stressed out to just… being.

There is an analogy that I love to use about a fly trapped inside of a glass jar. It cannot see the glass that it’s colliding with, keeping it trapped. Yet once outside, the jar is blindingly obvious. Your conditioning is this jar, and your awareness the fly. You often cannot really see it until you’ve broken free of it. At least, this has been my experience. This is why it is absolutely critical to examine your own beliefs that you likely take for granted. I think you’ll find that you are covertly working against yourself in one way or another.

🔗The Work of Byron Katie is a gift that anyone can access completely free in order to help you examine your beliefs. If you are struggling with resentment, especially, I would highly recommend using this. Honestly in any moment where you struggle with objectivity, this will help you find it.

Resistance and acceptance

So where do you start? Simply by acknowledging and accepting that we do, in fact, have control over how we feel. What I mean by this is that while we may not have control over our emotional reactions in a situation, as they result from external stimuli, we do have control over how we respond to them. It boils down to an essential choice: Resistance or acceptance. Most people make the decision to resist unconsciously.

In order to shift your experience, you need to acknowledge it. Acknowledgement is a type of acceptance, because you are consciously accepting your reality at that moment. Acceptance is a step toward equanimity, the experience of being without judging. Our response is often a judgement rather than an observation of fact. If you can accept your experience as it is without judging it (or a person / thing / situation) good or bad, you will have freed yourself from the majority of mundane human suffering.

But you can’t change what you don’t accept, because how can you change something if you deny its existence? It doesn’t make sense, just like how saying “it’s ok” when something is very much not ok won’t make it ok. To make it ok, you have to call it what it is: not ok.  Why is it not ok? Well, because of x, which is making me feel y. Now you have two points which you can use to move away from. If you can’t change x, you can work on y some other way. You need to go a bit deeper though if you want real insight: ask yourself why exactly is x making you feel y? Call this z. If you know all 3 parts of your equation, you are miles ahead of someone who is just “feeling stressed out”. If you’re feeling triggered, there is something that needs to come to light which you have likely been suppressing.

Let me put it this way: if your feelings are signals from your body indicating your gut-response to an event, it is infinitely more empowering to investigate that feeling instead of merely judge it as good or bad. If you are able to be clear about what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it, you can take informed, intentional action to change what isn’t preferable for you.

If the situation that you’re in feels like too much, try to focus on something present and immediate that you can do to shift your experience. It can be simple, like taking some deep breaths or a break from what you’re doing. Sometimes a bit of distance can do wonders for our perspective. Excuse yourself if you need to and are able and get some breathing room. The point is for you to take intentional action towards addressing your emotional response rather than be consumed by it. It’s not easy in the moment, I know, but it’s also a skill that you can build which will ultimately make it easier.

Concluding…

It’s all too easy to be overcome by intense emotional situations. This is normal and understandable, especially when there’s a lot going on in your life and in a moment. The key to shifting your experience is realising that your reaction and your response are not the same thing. In order to shift your experience, you need to acknowledge your reaction rather than deny  the effect it’s having on you. This denial often comes from the unconscious acceptance of your reaction as justified, without acknowledging the full scope of the situation.

Self-awareness is a practice that you need to grow. It doesn’t just come from itself without effort. Being accountable to yourself means acknowledging all parts of yourself including the trauma you’ve experienced and including the agency that you have within your own life as an adult. It also means being aware of our decisions and our actions without taking them for granted. Take a moment to investigate rather than being swallowed up. Just the mere act of being willing to inspect will already give you some distance from which to more neutrally observe the situation, which in turn helps you to pull out of the emotional reaction. Be open to experiencing these emotions and also be open to releasing them. We are not our thoughts or feelings — they are merely experiences which we have. Learn to treat them such and you will be far more empowered in your life.